Saturday, October 4, 2014

Looking back and forward

Reading a few posts back its not difficult to figure out there have been rather unnecessary situations and thoughts that became a part of my life. Its not very different now. Its been tough the last 10 years or so since I cleared JEE. I've never quite found the sweet spot. I still believe most of it is due a lot of bad luck but this year reading has helped to change my approach. A bit philosophical as it might sound the fear factor is lot less, the acceptance of challenge is higher and the approach is getting more positive and outright as time passes by. I had always believed that no matter how much I blamed luck it does not change results in the long term and by sheer dedication and hardwork anything and everything can be achieved. I still believe you can accomplish a lot with your efforts but more importantly I've understood the importance of acceptance. There are some things you don't control. Health, family, love and relationships have a huge bearing on success. Career and wealth are important but have little to do with happiness if not balanced with other important components of one's life. 

I am guilty of being rude, of poor expression. I've been punished disproportionately for my aggression and rashness. I've been guilty of wanting too much too early. I've lost love and friendshio of some very close ones. I've got poorer. But most of all I've suffered misfortune. I judge an event based on probabilities and some of the things that I've gone through had pretty low probability of hitting me. It affects not too many people. I've never quite found answers to "why me" but then it seems nobody in the world finds answers to such questions. The answer though is pretty simple "move on" and train your mind to seek answers to better questions. 

This is not to show off my depression, this post is about acceptance, acknowledgement and confession. As I move on (as I will have to) I shall seek stronger form of myself, to live a life worth living, to set examples, to make a story worth listening to and to be successful which make my failures and misfortunes worthy. I want to be quiet and attacking like a tiger. I want to get that winning spirit back. I want to be positive. I want to take everything that has happened on the chin, work on getting better and hold my head high. I live to attain the peace and satisfaction that my failures deserve. 


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Should Sachin retire?

Yes he should atleast from ODI, there's nothing left for him to achieve in this format of the game and he has lost the flair he used to have at an early age. Yes, its a different point altogether that he still figures in India's best 11 ODI players and if he wants there is nobody who should stop him to play. But being the player he is and the standards that he has set for himself over the years he should understand that his sports life is near over. He lacks the energy and aggression on the field and especially after the World Cup there is no real drive to continue in this format. Now if he scores centuries on Asian pitches against relatively weaker teams it would add to his tally of records but they are of lesser meaning compared to his older ones. After the debacle in England and Australia he should reconsider, may be take some time off and think what is he trying to achieve. From a team perspective too he is not doing his image any good. When the likes of Kohli watch him play they would definitely be saying he's been a great player and its nice to play and learn alongside him. But inside they would also know that his best time is behind him and he lacks the flamboyance that has brought him so far and earned him so many fans. The way he has played in last few series it looks like he's got a big reputation to defend, he's been burdened by the expectation of hundred hundreds and he has failed to look imposing on the better bowlers of quality teams. And when that happens, a player of the quality of Sachin Tendulkar should look to quit the game atleast ODIs for now.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Chappel and Sachin

Yes, the Australian coach is a very hated man in India. But he had some things to say about our master. He said the greatest batsman of our generation was mentally fragile at troughs of his career. I am one of the many fans out there who hates to listen to such comments. But deep inside I know that it is true. Having watched Sachin all these years very closely there was a time when he used to rattle bowlers, was the fearless child that used to rule our hearts and was truly a scary devil for the opposition on his day. But the fire and fear that he created was slowly dying down. His body language showed signs of fear. Fear of expectations. Sometimes great players perform to the hilt and cannot maintain the same in their later stages of careers and can themselves get too obsessed about it. Sachin was no different. The whole of India wants to see him take us through each single time when we are in trouble. There is no doubt, he is one of the most gifted players world has ever seen but he too has his limitations. And after a good performance in the 2003 world cup there was a stage in Australia in 2004 where he had a string of bad scores and played the most unnatural and hardworking innings of his life. That was the beginning of a very circumspect and fearful Sachin which we had never seen. That was Sachin who was not used to consistent failures. It took time and it took a lot of questions to get there. It took few years and a lots of matches to get there. But it wasn't a good time. A man who ruled the world of cricket in his late career and nearing mid-thirties was being asked difficult questions which I'm sure he had answers to but had enough doubts about letting them out to everybody. The questions were related to the magic he brought to the game. Was it all over? Has he lost it? The answer was a simple "Yes". It was not the same Sachin. Surely fear had crept in. He was not able to sustain the same command and was not able to dictate terms to the opposition. As his big fan I could sense each bit of it. So I believe Sachin was in a mental frame where he was confused how to handle the situation, how to get the magic back and how to reach the top again.
And I as his one of the many fans out there is happy that he is back. He is back because he had a strong desire to get back. The answer which was probably very easy for us but very difficult for him to incorporate back was aggression. To get the fear out of his system and to play naturally. He has done that I would say up to 80%. His body is not the same, the burden of experiences have had a toll on him and he can also relax because he plays with a better team. The world cup of 2011 was good for him and for us to see him back and contribute the way he did back in late 90s.
All this for tough times Sachin faced. But for Chappel, as a fan of Sachin I would like to say - "You could have better avoided such comments about Sachin. Because even if he was the way you say in some periods it is a testimony to the man the way he has come back and shown to the world why he is super human if not God. The interesting part is not his downfall or tough times but the way he comes back and slaps in the face all those who tries to come hard at him. By not his words but his actions. And as they say actions speak louder than words".

Sunday, January 9, 2011 starts here

Well Mumbai city has alluded me for quite sometime. It took 24 years to reach the much coveted and talked about place in India. If you know one city in India, its got to be Mumbai. There are swarms of people. People and people. Forget bollywood and their projection of the city. When I come here from outside I see people, I see rush, I see movement, I see fast paced activity, people so involved in whatever they are doing. Not like Delhi its a bit different out here. Its cheap n its costly. Its plush and its filthy. Its rich and its poor. Its large yet there is no space. Its populous but can be lonely. Its so contrasting in each and everything. Mumbai where you can find it difficult to find yourself has given me these first impressions about it. Its definitely different. I dont know the place at all right now but got to say there's so much to explore so much to find out about it. It makes me interested. It makes me wonder so much is there what may be known but so much to feel so much to experience. Looks good looks bad, looks happy looks sad, dunno whats in store but sure this has in it to call itself the "Mayanagari".

Monday, December 20, 2010

The day is over boy!!

It's 3 clicks that you do all day. Buy-sell-cancel is all you know. Up and down is what you see. Not many speak or move out there. And still its as big as it gets. Yes, I am talking about our trading floor. The feelings, the emotions you undergo take you from high to low in a matter of seconds and you love it. Its stressful, its heartbreaking, its hardwork, its excitement, its easy, its tough, its natural, its unbelievable, its lovely, its lonely, its you and the market and that's all that it is. Boy!! to see it move first time, to see it on the ladder, to see the multiple screens, to see the charts, to see the reds n blues flipping and fighting with each other, to see only the numbers, to bet on the numbers, to get only the numbers is so good and is so very bad. You cannot be right all the time, you cannot be wrong all the time. You don't have the time, you feel its a hell lot of time.
All this and many more, there are no words in the dictionary, there are no boundaries, there is no constraint, its all a flow, its all a feel. As I officially leave the trading floor (with many hopes to be back on it sometime in the future soon) I feel departed, deprived of something which is close and dear to my heart. Its something that attracts, thats like a friend, that something that keeps me going, that holds me with it all the time. Remember the experience as tough, obviously it didn't give me the love and respect I gave it but its just an year and there is no reason to believe it can't return everything I deserve from it back to me.
Trading is high trading is low trading is sad trading is fun trading is dull trading is adventurous, trading is like life. It tests you out. It can give you easily and take it back too. One chapter closes at this day and I hope to move closer to it as the next year starts.
Love to talk on it, love to have a chat on it. Long live trading :P

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Post move on

Ohh what a different experience it has been. Its been two months here at FF and no where else can I imagine such kind of emotional grilling on a daily basis. On one day I am ecstatic the very next all the negativities enter my head. What to do? Its such a difficult job atleast for me. Intra-day trading on a regular basis in the scenario I am in. God!! I don't want to take it but I have to. Today was the day of my maximum loss and the dreadful feelings you get in such days, anybody would love to avoid. Actually the apprehensions before joining FF are actually haunting me everyday. Not the better ones in terms of mental strength, I have to undergo a lot of psychological stress and emotional turmoil to keep myself natural and normal while trading. I don't think I'm gifted or have a natural flair for trading. But nevertheless as has always been it does deserve a best shot from my side.
I write this blog to tell myself that the decision I took was alright and I have to respect myself for taking it even I fail in this job. Being in Magma, with no hopes of financial prosperity, doing what I don't like to do at all, without an offer from anywhere else, and above all developed an interest in trading Indian markets I had to give FF a try. Given the fact that the salary here is far below of what I should expect as an IITD Elec graduate and the risk this job involves it still doesn't make it a bad decision. For that matter, probably I have no other option and sometimes having no other option is the best option.
True, if I fail it would be real bad. Past few days I have been saying a lot of things to a lot of people how exciting the work is, how I'm liking it and why this is the thing I want to do it still doesn't take away the right from me to fail. I can I know.
But what bothers me is I always knew my salary would be lesser but its pinching me when I'm experiencing it and same is what I fear if if if I fail how would I handle it. I don't know.
Bottom line is whatever its going to be I have to take it. The next year could have the worst in it. But what can I do, I just have to believe things will work out and have to hope and try to the best of my abilities. What I am unable to do is prepare for the worst. Because if I do I'll be preparing my trading account for also the worst which pretty much happened this week.

Friday, December 25, 2009

A move on

As 2009 closes down and 2010 is in sight, I have something to pen down. 09 will go down as the worst year of my life till date and I hope it remains the worst. Its been 3 years in a row now. But then perhaps real learning doesn't happen in good times. It seems the seeds are sown for better times ahead. I'm making a move on from Magma to FuturesFirst as a coder to a trader the coming Jan. This isn't easy for reasons more than one. I have been enjoying a lot on some counts like working from home, flexibility at work timings, living according to my wimps and fancies, free internet, relatively easier travel from home to office, free food at office etc etc. People would be smarter and more involved in personal life as it is North India and also the weather would be much more testing. Add to that there is no relocation assistance, its peak winter, its a place which has poor public transport and I have to pack up and be there in little time.
These are relatively small things and I don't know how much I should think about them and how much they matter, and I am not trying to think too much because these are initial concerns and soon the adjustments will be made. But the bigger question is whether it would be a right transition. There is no doubt I have a passion for trading and investing and absolutely nothing for coding but its a different and in some ways a difficult life. Since I've been in the Indian equities for sometime I know its something which involves a lot of emotion. There are going to be good days and bad days. At times it will overwhelm you, it will test you out, it will drench you, it will frustrate you. There a lot of questions in front of me, but I have only one answer. I want to do it, I just want to be in it. It seems like it'll give an experience in somewhat shortened period. Its like a shorter but wealthier experience. It gets your stomach churning. Its leaves you cold sometimes. And that's the beauty of it that attracts me.
So yes, its a feeling which involves a bit of fear, a lot of nervousness but I'm excited about it. Its been a long wait to get to something which I'd like to do. I have only one direction to go now. Its decided. Its forward and there's no looking back. Hope and pray that things go well from here.